There is no meritocracy.

When I was fourteen, my teacher told me
when I write letters in exams to sign it with a Malay name
and he told the class not to ask why
but we don’t need to ask why, we’ve been told since since we were children

It started when my great-grandfather came to this country
Can you imagine 80 years ago, to leave your country
How do you not band together
You do band together
You band together when you leave this country

And my grandfather who worked hard everyday of his life
And at the age of 74, he still supports himself
Dirt poor with eight people living in a room
he and my grandmother brought them up to be wonderful people
contributors to the society

They fought to leave that home where my grandpa stayed with
the rest of his six brothers and one sister and his parents
they saved up the money day by day and ringgit by ringgit
And before they could even leave the house
the others were already trying to claim their spot
so my grandmother went out there with a butcher’s knife
and told them to leave, leave and for God’s sake just wait till we leave

Out of the nine children they have
one died at the age of 17
because of a doctor’s false injection
but they refused to sue him and they soldiered on
and brought up eight children, and of eight, seven went to university
Even then, my grandfather understood the importance of education
and all his daughters but the first have degrees and two of those, masters
They are chemists and geneticists, bankers, administrators, engineers
good mothers, good fathers and good children

And he always told me I should fight
Fight for what should be yours even if they don’t give it to you
because they don’t give it to you
And that is the attitude I have always adopted in the face of your discrimination

Tell me, is it my skin color
No, these days yours and ours all vary from white to yellow to brown
and they do not make a difference, they should not make a difference
Tell me then, am I not good enough
or am I too good, you say
This unfairness is justified with your promise for equal opportunity
So is this how you even the odds
The odds are not even, I have been thrown off from even consideration
because you say we can afford it so we work to afford it

Or is it my religion
Should I not believe in what I believe
Am I wrong and am I an abomination if I do not believe at all
Didn’t we stand for diversity
I think now we stand for repression and false hope
This is not the right century to live in
for such ideas and such misconceptions
Your skin privileges you
Your religion privileges you
I am not waiting on an impossible revolution
I am waiting on all you individual parts to see
that this is a privilege to be shared

My brother laughed when I told him about how
Malaysia opposed the Apartheid
because he says, then how does it continue to run this way
We are segregated, continue to be segregated
We accept that we are outcast in certain arenas
and we speak about it in whispers and in shouts
shot down in violence by those who rule us
They rule us like it is dictatorship
And our papers hide behind smaller issues
because they can be disbanded just like that
if they who rule us so wish so

There was once a time, my aunts and uncles days
when if you worked hard, you would have a place to go
but now I present you with my hard work
and you tell me that is great
but you will not carry me
But my father can’t afford shit
and my mother is working her tears dry
and my eyes are growing dry too
while I scramble through the next two years like I have a clue
There is no guarantee and there is no fucking insurance
This is not what the constitution promised
corrupt and angry people, coddled people, clueless people

When I was twelve, I had to go to secondary school
and there was so much foreign there
and they laughed at me, students and teachers alike
so I grit my teeth and I cried but I kept trying and trying
And it took me two years before I spoke fluent Malay
and bila saya cakap memenag macam Melayu
but one look at me, and one look at my name
and I suppose the respect you have for me is not enough

So I grew up knowing
my country will not carry me
it will not carry me